twitter users today:
You Might Also Like
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old