Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
they finally got him. they got macavity
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.