While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
it is time once again
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise