What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You Might Also Like
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Saving Private Ryan but it鈥檚 just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she鈥檚 dropped down the toilet
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
No, he would not have.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 馃ぃ
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
We鈥檙e way too stupid in our 20鈥檚 to be picking life partners
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I didn鈥檛 say I don鈥檛 believe in god, I鈥檓 just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me