The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
SPLOOT
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying