Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.