My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When news reporters do sports stories
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.