Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: