Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer