Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Life with a cat in one tweet
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats