*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My dress code is business-casualty.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.