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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading