Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.