I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
😂💯
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My daily affirmation
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.