I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince