I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Weighing up my bread heating options
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!