[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Ferrari squats
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Does your wife know you’re single?
couldn’t resist
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.