Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Watermelon Boss!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).