Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car