All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.