The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
You Might Also Like
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong