Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
This raises questions
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I just love that new Pope smell.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A tragic love story in two pictures.
buys donuts instead