I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.