IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.