I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Well, this is awkward
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Damn what did I do next
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u