Erm I’m gonna say no
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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me opening up to someone
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Good day meowlady
* tips cat