I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.