I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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100% of divorces begin with marriage.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?