Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.