I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Florida be like…
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.