Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
In Canada they just call them geese
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?