Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
lmao
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Saturday
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster