I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)