To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
the battle rages on
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”