According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Festive toon…
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar