quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
titanic
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.