Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You Might Also Like
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.