Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
You Might Also Like
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this