Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.