Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”