Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You Might Also Like
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?