call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Quadruple digit IQ
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops