No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.