Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
you gotta be faster
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!