see you in hell you stupid fruit
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
How to woo a woman
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it