Bros before Ohioes
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
o shit
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
New tinder profile pic
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”