Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My dog learned how to text
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to