I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
You Might Also Like
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.