Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The Friday File.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.