I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?